In this article in Time Magazine author Francine Russo describes the consequences that can follow when lines of communication break down. “It wasn’t until my mom’s funeral, watching my dad and sister cling to each other and weep, that I got a hint of their long ordeal — and how badly I’d screwed up.”

Russo makes the point in her article that much of the tension and disagreement among siblings can come from inaccurate or conflicting information. “Friction often stems from parents giving their children different information about how they’re doing. Mom may put on a good show for the out-of-towner, who then discounts what the local sibling says.” This is all the more reason for siblings to communicate with each other, not just through mom or dad.

If you aren’t sure how to get the conversation started, Paula Spencer, senior editor for Caring.com wrote this article for Third Age which gives some helpful strategies on how to ease into the difficult topic of caring for aging parents this holiday season.

An unfortunate side effect of this disconnect is that a refusal to talk about money or your estate plans with you children means that they may have a difficult time following your wishes in regards to inheritance. According to Mr. Powers (and most of the adult children who come into our offices to create their own estate plans) “most middle-aged adult [children] really want to fulfill their parents’ last wishes, regardless of how much money they might or might not see in the end.”

So the answer to the title question is, yes, you should talk to your children about inheritance if you can. Talking about it will not only make it easier for them to follow your wishes, it may even help you determine how you would like to make a difference in the lives of your heirs.

Of course every parent wants to do what’s best for their child, but Ruth Mantell of the Wall Street Journal writes in her article that in this case, being tough may be what’s best. This isn’t to say that you should refuse if your out-of-work child comes to your door asking for help, but that parents or grandparents need to do what’s necessary to protect themselves before they welcome their adult children back home. “With job losses continuing to mount, older Americans’ wallets are being stretched by their own children,” Mantell writes, but having your adult children back in your home can actually be a good experience for all—if you know what to expect and take the right steps first.

In her article Mantell offers five useful tips to help keep the peace and keep your finances secure, including suggestions such as making sure everyone knows who is boss (you as the homeowner), asking for household contributions (even if all your children can afford is a token financial contribution or a contribution of manual labor), and especially preserving your retirement plans at all costs.

Although the practice has fallen out of style, multi-generational households used to be the norm. It may not be the ideal situation today, but with the right communication, and with everybody on the same page, temporarily sharing the house with your adult children can be an acceptable—and maybe even rewarding—experience.

First you need to determine if your parents actually need to be persuaded, or if they’re merely slow to follow through. Offer to bring them with you to your next appointment (if you and your attorney don’t mind), or offer to make an appointment for them with their own attorney. Some parents in very open families even like to have adult children with them at planning meetings

There are times, however, when actual persuasion is required. You may be a grown adult with responsibilities, a successful job, and family of your own, but to your parents you will always be their little girl or boy. This doesn’t mean that your parents don’t value your suggestion, but it may mean they don’t see any urgency to taking action. In these situations what your parents may need to light a fire under them is a professional outside opinion. Suggest that your parents go see their financial specialist, even offer to set up the appointment for them. Much as parents love their children, the opinions of professionals sometimes carry more weight than that of their offspring.

There are the rare occasions, however, when parents absolutely will not be persuaded. Perhaps they don’t trust attorneys, or are adamant that probate is good enough for them, or perhaps (for their own reasons) they want to maintain privacy or even secrecy. In these situations the best course of action may be to let it go. Your parents may have a change of heart when they see how happy you are with your own estate plan.

If this last is the situation you find yourself in, your best course of action may be to ask your attorney what you can do to best protect yourself from the fallout of a lengthy probate process when your parents pass away, or to discuss with you how your parents will pay for long term care.  Will the burden fall upon you?  Will your parents be able to qualify for a Medi-Cal or Veterans Benefits subsidy?  Long Term Care expenses can, over time, be devastating to your parents’ savings and stressful for caregiver children, unless the family has a plan in place.