Talking to Siblings About Caring for Mom and Dad
December 13, 2010
Many modern families have members living all over the country—and all over the world. Which means that the holiday season provides one of the only times to all get together in person, celebrate, catch up… and talk about caregiving strategies for aging parents. Unfortunately, this kind of conversation can be a difficult one, especially if not all siblings agree about mom or dad’s needs, or if one sibling feels that he or she shoulders an unfair amount of responsibility. In spite of the difficulty, having the conversation can be of the utmost importance.
In this article in Time Magazine author Francine Russo describes the consequences that can follow when lines of communication break down. “It wasn’t until my mom’s funeral, watching my dad and sister cling to each other and weep, that I got a hint of their long ordeal — and how badly I’d screwed up.”
Russo makes the point in her article that much of the tension and disagreement among siblings can come from inaccurate or conflicting information. “Friction often stems from parents giving their children different information about how they’re doing. Mom may put on a good show for the out-of-towner, who then discounts what the local sibling says.” This is all the more reason for siblings to communicate with each other, not just through mom or dad.
If you aren’t sure how to get the conversation started, Paula Spencer, senior editor for Caring.com wrote this article for Third Age which gives some helpful strategies on how to ease into the difficult topic of caring for aging parents this holiday season.
The Next Step In Elderly Home Care
August 6, 2010
Many adult children of an aging parent get to a point in their parent’s care where they feel they have only two options: move their parent in with them so that they (or their spouse) can provide around-the-clock care, or move their parent into a nursing home. Reaching this point can be a very emotional time for both parent and child; with the parent feeling anger and frustration at the loss of independence, and the child feeling that they have somehow failed their parent.
Improving technology may never be able to remove the need for this decision entirely, but it may be able to postpone it a little. A recent article in the New York Times describes some new technologies that help adult children monitor their aging parent right inside the home, therefore removing the need (or at least delaying the need) for physical around-the-clock supervision.
One of the new technologies mentioned in the article (called GrandCare) “allows families to place movement sensors throughout a house. Information — about when doors were opened, what time a person got into and out of bed, whether there’s been any movement in a room for a certain time period — is sent out via e-mail, text message or voice mail.” It is this kind of in-home monitoring that may allow seniors to remain in their homes longer.
Some seniors have reservations about these new technologies, however, something that they consider to be an invasion of privacy. Nancy Schlossberg is quoted in the article as comparing these new technologies to nanny-cams, “Big Brother is watching you — there’s something about it that’s very offensive.” Some seniors may agree with her, but if it comes down to a choice between technological monitoring or moving to a nursing home they may find that “Big Brother” is the lesser of two evils.
You Know the Importance of Planning… But Do Your Aging Parents?
August 5, 2010
If you have been reading our blog then you know that this year—the year without a federal estate tax—is an important year, and that next year—when the estate tax returns—will be an even more important year for planning and reviewing your estate. You know this… but do your parents?
Kimberly Palmer, author of this article in U.S. News and World Report says that “bringing up the estate tax with your aging parents can be as awkward as inquiring after their sex life.” Talking about any kind of estate planning with your parents can indeed be awkward, but as Palmer points out it is extremely important… especially now when the repeal and reinstatement of the estate tax means that “ignoring the issue could mean giving Uncle Sam a big chunk of one’s estate inadvertently.”
So how can you bring up the topic of estate planning with your parents without them thinking that you’re more interested in your inheritance than your parents’ well-being? The article mentioned above has a few ideas, including:
- Talk about your own estate planning experience and how relieved you are that everything is in place.
- Talk about recent celebrity deaths that have been in the news: George Steinbrenner, Michael Jackson, etc.
- Mention how concerned you are about the uncertain estate tax situation.
Of course, the best policy is to just be honest. Tell your parents truthfully that you are concerned about their financial stability, about keeping the family peace, about your grasping uncle Mickey taking the antique dining set you’ve loved since you were a child. Explain that you only want to help… but remember that the choice is ultimately theirs. As author Deborah Jacobs says in the article, “if they don’t want to talk about money, then you need to drop it and accept that this is not something you should pursue… If you have tense times towards the end of your parents’ life because you’re talking about estate planning, it will stay with you forever, and it’s just not worth it.”
How to Find the Perfect Senior Living Arrangement
June 3, 2010
When it comes to living arrangements, senior citizens have far more options available to them today than they ever have in the past: independent retirement communities, assisted independent communities, at-home assisted living, at-home nursing care, live-in nursing homes… the list can go on and on. Having all these options available is almost certain to make it easier to eventually find the right living arrangement, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the search itself will be easier. In fact, having so many options and facilities to consider can often make the search that much more confusing.
The search for the right living arrangement—either for yourself or for an aging family member—can be much easier if you know ahead of time the right questions to ask and the important things to look for. This article in U.S. News and World Report shares 9 things to look for in your search for an assisted living facility, including:
- Making sure the facility is licensed
- Ensuring the facility’s financial stability
- Getting referrals
- Making visits to assess the facility’s staff
- Asking what current residents have to say
- Considering whether it can meet not only your current but also your future needs
- Asking about payment options (including Medicaid, called “Medi-Cal” in California)
- And more
Having so many different options these days means we can hope that finding the right senior living arrangement is a much more personal—and pleasurable—task than it has been in the past. Some of the best retirement communities or nursing homes have long waiting lists, so starting your search early will improve your chances of finding the place that’s right for you. But be careful, nursing home and assisted living contracts can contain surprises and should be carefully considered; or better yet, have an attorney look at the contract for you. And, if you are finding a place for your parent or other infirm family member, try to avoid signing the contract yourself unless you plan on being financially responsible for payment. It is often better to ask you parent or loved one to sign the contract and, if they are unable to do so, then sign only as their “agent” if you have valid agency authority.
With the many choices now available there’s no reason not to have exactly the senior living situation you want and need.
Young or Old—Love is in the Air, part 2
March 12, 2009
When elderly parents fall in love it affects more than just the lovers, it has an impact on their concerned children as well. This is especially true when the lovebirds want to make significant changes in their lives; things such as getting married or moving in with each other. In Monday’s post we shared a news story about 5 things you should talk about before a late in life marriage. Today we’d like to look at the flip side: What is a son or daughter to do when mom or dad falls in love?
Anne Underwood, guest writer on the New Old Age Blog, shares the story of her father’s new love at the age of 86, and his decision to leave the retirement community where he lived and move to another state to be with the object of his affection. Underwood writes in poignant detail as she describes something more and more adult children are experiencing as their parents age: The struggle between her desire to support her father and the decisions he makes, and the need to protect him as he ages.
Jinies.com