Talking to Siblings About Caring for Mom and Dad
December 13, 2010
Many modern families have members living all over the country—and all over the world. Which means that the holiday season provides one of the only times to all get together in person, celebrate, catch up… and talk about caregiving strategies for aging parents. Unfortunately, this kind of conversation can be a difficult one, especially if not all siblings agree about mom or dad’s needs, or if one sibling feels that he or she shoulders an unfair amount of responsibility. In spite of the difficulty, having the conversation can be of the utmost importance.
In this article in Time Magazine author Francine Russo describes the consequences that can follow when lines of communication break down. “It wasn’t until my mom’s funeral, watching my dad and sister cling to each other and weep, that I got a hint of their long ordeal — and how badly I’d screwed up.”
Russo makes the point in her article that much of the tension and disagreement among siblings can come from inaccurate or conflicting information. “Friction often stems from parents giving their children different information about how they’re doing. Mom may put on a good show for the out-of-towner, who then discounts what the local sibling says.” This is all the more reason for siblings to communicate with each other, not just through mom or dad.
If you aren’t sure how to get the conversation started, Paula Spencer, senior editor for Caring.com wrote this article for Third Age which gives some helpful strategies on how to ease into the difficult topic of caring for aging parents this holiday season.
Just Say No? Medical Marijuana in Nursing Homes
October 30, 2010
The legalization of marijuana is on the ballot in California this November, but California isn’t the only part of the country where marijuana is making news. The use of marijuana for medical purposes is being debated around the nation—especially as concerns elderly patients in nursing homes which receive federal funding through Medicare or Medicaid.
This article on the New York Times’ New Old Age Blog reports on this issue, and just how concerned and confused nursing home facility administrators are about what their options are and how to proceed. “Any patient using medical marijuana breaks federal law. Marijuana is listed as a Schedule 1 drug, which means the federal government considers it to have no medicinal value. Despite this, physicians in 14 states and the District of Columbia are allowed to recommend it. . . Many facility administrators wonder how they can comply with federal law and preserve their reimbursements and at the same time permit residents to medicate with marijuana.”
Federal funding isn’t the only conflict attached to the medical marijuana issue. Nursing homes in New Mexico (a state where marijuana was legalized for medicinal purposes in 2007) report that “the lack of dosing direction has caused problems. . . Pills in nursing homes are in what they call vacuum packs: you have to pop a pill out one at a time. They don’t do that with marijuana. It’s an amount of marijuana in a small plastic bag, so there is no way to track if someone took one or two pinches.”
Another issue to consider is the stigma attached to marijuana use, and complaints from other patients or residents.
Medical marijuana is generally prescribed to seniors to help them deal with chronic pain. Oregon’s long-term care ombudsman, Mary Jaeger, asks in the article above “Wouldn’t any one of us, in our own homes, feel that we have the right to live our lives by our own values and choices, to preserve our own dignity and, frankly, to live pain-free?” Will seniors moving to federally supported nursing homes have to find other ways to deal with chronic pain? And more importantly… will they be willing to do so?
The Next Step In Elderly Home Care
August 6, 2010
Many adult children of an aging parent get to a point in their parent’s care where they feel they have only two options: move their parent in with them so that they (or their spouse) can provide around-the-clock care, or move their parent into a nursing home. Reaching this point can be a very emotional time for both parent and child; with the parent feeling anger and frustration at the loss of independence, and the child feeling that they have somehow failed their parent.
Improving technology may never be able to remove the need for this decision entirely, but it may be able to postpone it a little. A recent article in the New York Times describes some new technologies that help adult children monitor their aging parent right inside the home, therefore removing the need (or at least delaying the need) for physical around-the-clock supervision.
One of the new technologies mentioned in the article (called GrandCare) “allows families to place movement sensors throughout a house. Information — about when doors were opened, what time a person got into and out of bed, whether there’s been any movement in a room for a certain time period — is sent out via e-mail, text message or voice mail.” It is this kind of in-home monitoring that may allow seniors to remain in their homes longer.
Some seniors have reservations about these new technologies, however, something that they consider to be an invasion of privacy. Nancy Schlossberg is quoted in the article as comparing these new technologies to nanny-cams, “Big Brother is watching you — there’s something about it that’s very offensive.” Some seniors may agree with her, but if it comes down to a choice between technological monitoring or moving to a nursing home they may find that “Big Brother” is the lesser of two evils.
How to Tell If Your Loved One Needs In-Home Care (And What to Do About It)
July 12, 2010
It’s not always easy to know—or to admit—that a loved one is unable to fully care for themselves anymore. The signs develop gradually, and aren’t always easy to pick up on if you see your loved one on a daily or weekly basis. Often it’s the son or daughter who has moved away and comes home for a visit who notices (what is to them) the “sudden decline” in mom or dad’s ability to perform the most basic of tasks.
If you suspect (but aren’t sure) that your loved one may need in-home care, there are a few signs you can look for to help you decide. The “Right at Home” website has an article listing ten signs that home care could benefit your loved one, and Responsive Home Health has a 3 page questionnaire to help you determine whether or not mom or dad is still just fine at home alone. The signs you’ll want to look for include:
- Inability to prepare own meals
- Frequent falls
- Inability to keep up with basic hygiene such as bathing and brushing teeth
- Depression
- Sudden isolation
- And more…
Once you know for certain that your loved one needs in-home care you’ll have to face the sometimes daunting task of finding (and figuring out how to pay for) the right service. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal provides some excellent information on how to find the right kind and level of care for your loved one. For example: does your parent need just a little bit of help with cooking and housekeeping, or is more comprehensive care (such as daily help with bathing, grooming, mobility and medication) necessary? The level of care your loved one needs, as well as what financial resources you have available, will help narrow down your choice of agency or aide.
Always remember, you don’t have to go through any of this alone. There are a number of dedicated professionals who can help you along the way—including our office. Don’t hesitate to seek out help from these professionals. Remember, all of us are here to help.
Should A Bank Help You Care for Your Elderly Parents?
July 8, 2010
The influential Baby Boomer generation is aging, which means more and more of them are taking on the responsibility of caring for their elderly parents, and the Boomers are beginning to face up to the fact that they will need caregiving themselves in the not-so-distant future.
Large banks are not immune to this trend—and the potential to increase their client base by offering financial elder-care services. The question is, how effective can a bank be at helping you care for your elderly relatives?
According to this article in the Wall Street Journal banks can be helpful with certain financial issues such as helping to “sort out medical bills, hire in-home care or even manage the sale of a home.” Some of the larger banks are even beginning to offer more in-depth services such as “estate planning and setting up powers of attorney… crisis management (triggered, say, by a broken hip or a car accident); health and home assessments; Medicare-coverage selection and claims management; and evaluating retirement communities and long-term-care facilities.”
All of this sounds great, but before you get too excited our firm would like to caution you to be as careful about hiring a bank to do your estate or elder care planning as you would be with engaging any other attorney or professional advisor. After all, as the WSJ article says, “banks and trust companies aren’t doing this solely out of the goodness of their hearts. Providing extra services targeted at the elderly and their family caregivers can bump up the asset-management fees that clients pay each year. . . [or] persuade a few clients to move assets to an institution to meet its minimum deposit requirements.”
So we urge you, before you jump into anything—whether it be with a bank, an attorney, a CPA or other important advisor—do the research and ask all the questions you need to ask in order to find out whether this advisor truly knows their stuff; knows the ins and outs of the law and the care-giving industry; and most important of all, make sure the person or institution you hire will be working for you, will be your advocate and your ally during difficult and confusing times. Further, to the extent your loved one needs legal services to plan for incapacity, to implement asset preservation strategies, to design an estate plan or to plan for Medi-Cal or other public benefits, our strong recommendation is to first seek the advice and guidance of an Elder Law attorney knowledgeable in the field. In our opinion, acquiring these skills takes years of study, practice and experience.
How to Choose the Right Nursing Home
April 28, 2010
A recent article in the New York Times calls choosing a nursing home for your loved one “one of the hardest [decisions] you will ever make;” and yet it is a decision that almost all of us will have to think about eventually (whether for a grandparent, parent, spouse, or for ourselves.) It is a decision that is made infinitely more difficult if you are forced to make it under pressure.
But choosing a nursing home doesn’t have to be the difficult and unpleasant decision we think it will be, not if you know what to look for, and have the time to really review all your options. Walecia Konrad, author of the article mentioned above, breaks the process down into four steps, and gives valuable advice on how to approach each individual step:
- Doing the research
- Visiting the homes
- Asking the right questions
- Consulting the experts
The home you eventually choose will be a very personal decision based on a number of factors; location, the preferences of your loved one and your family, health, and of course finances; but having all the right information—and confidence in your ability to evaluate that information—is a key part of making this very personal and very emotional decision.
Portrait of A Caregiver: It May Be You!
December 27, 2009
If you are a Caucasian woman, aged 35 or older, possibly married, definitely working at least part-time—then there is a good chance that you are now or will soon be serving as a caregiver for an aging parent or relative; at least, this is according to the new report released by the National Alliance for Caregiving, AARP, and MetLife.
The entire report, entitled “Caregiving in the U.S., A Focused Look at Those Caring for Someone Aged 50 or Older” is 73 pages long, but you needn’t read the entire thing to get an insider’s peek at the state of caregiving today. And the report isn’t limited to caring for an aging relative; it includes statistics on those caring for special needs children, as well as family members of any age.
Some of the more interesting statistics listed in the report are:
- 40% of Caregivers are aged 50-64.
- 63% of those receiving care are over the age of 75.
- 67% of Caregivers are women.
- 76% of Caregivers are Caucasian.
- 89% are caring for a relative (36% of the time it is the caregiver’s mother.)
- Over half of caregivers are employed while caregiving; and…
- Caregivers provide an average of 19 hours of caregiving per week (in addition to their regular employment.)
It is worthwhile to note that according to this study most of these caregivers are unpaid for the care they give, which makes sense if they are caring for a family member and are doing it voluntarily—but a full 43% said that they felt they did not have a choice to take on the role.
Our office can’t prevent you from one day needing a caregiver (or one day having to serve as a caregiver) but we can help you plan for when that day may come. Thinking and planning ahead can keep you—and your loved ones—from ending up in a situation where you feel you have no choice.
Talking About Elder Care
December 22, 2009
Do you know who will take care of you when you are too elderly to take care of yourself? According to the statistics your caregiver is likely to be a woman, and most likely to be your daughter or daughter-in-law. What this means is that unless you have a plan for your future long term care, the financial burden of caring for you will fall to her and her family.
“Financial burden” refers not just to the expense of paying for food and medical costs, but to loss of income incurred over years of care-giving. “Women take time away from their careers to care for family members,” writes George I. Connolly, “and… lose an average of $659,130 over a lifetime in reduced salary and retirement benefits.”
Many people think that government programs will pick up what they can’t pay for themselves, but relying on government programs can leave your family footing just as much of the bill as they would without them. You may want to consider other alternatives as well, such as investing in long-term-care insurance and setting up a Long Term Care Estate Plan. If you aren’t sure about your options, or how to start planning for the future, call our office for help.
If you are a daughter of aging parents, now is the time to talk to your parents about the future. Studies show that you are the one who is likely to shoulder the responsibility of caring for them as they age. Doing so will affect your family, your career, your finances, and even your health.
The subject of aging and elder care is a difficult one, but not one to be left to the last minute. Talk to your family about your wishes and plans for the future, then bring your Elder Law attorney into the discussion. Once you have an idea of your wishes, an expert can help you feel better about your options, and put you on the right path for keeping your family healthy, happy, and financially secure in the years to come.
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