How to Help Your Elderly Parents When You Live Far Away
September 10, 2010
We’ve written often on this blog about the concerns that caregiver children have for their elderly parents, but that’s only one side of the story. Many families also have an adult child living far from home, and though the concerns of the long-distance child may be different from the one who lives down the street, they’re no less important. Here are some of the more common concerns we hear about in our office, and some suggestions for addressing them:
I worry that when I talk to my parents on the phone I’m not getting the whole truth about their health or situation. This is one of the most common concerns of long-distance children. The best thing to do is be up front with your parents. Tell them that you want—and need—to know the truth, even if they think it will worry you. If you still don’t think they’re being completely honest, enlist the help of a sibling or nearby friend or neighbor who can be your eyes and ears. You can also ask your parents to sign a waiver with their doctor giving him or her permission to share their medical details with you.
I’m afraid that my mom is losing the ability to manage her money and could end up broke. Seniors are the most common victims of financial fraud, and it’s hard to keep tabs on mom or dad if you live far away. The best way to prevent financial fraud is to talk about money with your parents early and often. It may go against the grain, but discuss your own finances with them if it will help them open up about theirs. Visit as often as you can and watch their mail for letters from promotion companies or shady looking “charities”; and put your parent’s phone number on the National Do Not Call registry (1.888.382.1222 or www.donotcall.gov)
I feel guilty that my sister (who lives in the same town as my parents) is shouldering the bulk of the burden. The sibling who lives closest does often end up being the physical caretaker of elderly parents, but that doesn’t mean those who live far away can’t help. The most common contribution from long-distance children is financial support—and that’s no small thing! Offer to pay for a housekeeper, in-home care assistant, taxi service, etc. And don’t forget to talk to your sister about what she needs. Helping your caregiver sibling is another way of helping your parents.
I love my parents; I want to do more to help than just give them money. A common complaint of seniors is loneliness and fear of being forgotten. One way to help your parent and help calm your own fears is to simply keep in touch. Make a point of calling your parent on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. Send frequent cards or e-mails. Plan a family vacation that your elderly parent can be a part of. You can help your parents with your expertise as well; try to be involved in “the big stuff” such as meetings with estate planners, financial planners, nursing staff, or geriatric care managers. And most importantly, work regular trips to visit your mom or dad into the budget. There’s really no substitute for face-to-face communication.
I think that my siblings close to mom and dad are making the wrong decisions for them, or are pressuring them to make decisions they don’t really want to make. Undue influence is a serious accusation, and if you truly think your siblings may be threatening or manipulating your parent you should seek the help of a professional. Before you take irreversible action you need to have a private conversation with your parent; ask if they are being coerced and try to determine if fear is a factor. If you still think your parent is being manipulated against their will contact an elder law attorney immediately.
I don’t want to miss out on what could be my last moments with my parent. There’s just no way around it, your parents won’t be here forever, and nobody wants to feel that there were things left unsaid. If you truly worry that your parent is facing his or her last days the best advice we can give is to go visit if at all possible, and make your visit matter. Look through old photos, talk about your memories, and say the things that need to be said. If you can’t visit in person make phone calls or send letters. Don’t save your best sentiments for the eulogy—tell your parents how important they are to you today.
Will Long-Term Care Living Arrangements Prevent You from Leaving an Inheritance?
August 16, 2010
In our last post we wrote about what matters most when choosing a long-term care living situation, suggesting that it’s not always the place that matters most, but the mind-set of the elderly person who will be living there, and how involved that person is in the decision-making process. However, this does not mean that the quality of each living place doesn’t matter at all. In fact, according to the Wall Street Journal great care should still be taken when selecting a long-term care living situation… especially if you’re considering a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC).
If you are considering a CCRC for yourself or an elderly loved one, you may want to read this article in the WSJ, which mentions that although more and more older Americans are drawn to the benefits offered by a Continuing Care Retirement Community, those benefits “often come at a steep price and ‘considerable risk.’”
The article goes on to mention that “So-called CCRCs—which typically offer fine dining, health clubs and on-site long-term care—have grown in popularity along with the aging of the population, particularly among the upper-middle class and affluent,” but that “the economic downturn is making it tougher for potential new residents to sell their existing homes and fill openings in new and expanded communities, which are generally regulated by state governments. As a result, low occupancy levels are challenging the industry’s financial models.”
We mention this because many of our clients are at a time in their lives when they or their elderly parents are looking into long-term care living situations, and we see how difficult it is to sort through all the choices and find a place that fits. Not only is quality of life an important factor (maybe the most important factor), but for many people the cost of the place they choose may mean the difference between leaving their children an inheritance and dying penniless.
We urge any of our readers who are in the market for long-term care living arrangements to look carefully at all their options; ask questions, do the research, and don’t be afraid to ask for help or a second opinion.
What To Do When Your Kids Don’t Like Your Will
October 4, 2009
In an ideal world elderly parents and their adult children always get along, and when those parents pass away their children quietly and respectfully follow their wishes regarding the distribution of their estate. Unfortunately, we don’t always live in an ideal world, and inheritance and estate planning can often cause tension between parents and children before the parents have even reached retirement age!
What are your options when you know your kids won’t like what you’ve put in your will or trust? Many people choose to simply keep their wishes secreted away in a safety deposit box until they’ve passed away and then let everyone fight it out on their own; but this only puts off the bad feelings and can often cause lasting rifts among siblings. This strategy of secrecy also doesn’t address what happens if you become incapacitated and need one of your trustees or agents (in all likelihood one of your children) to take over your affairs.
A better option than secrecy may be to invite your children to your final meeting with your estate planning attorney. If the attorney is willing, and if you have good relationships with your children, this may be a good move. It could give you an opportunity to share your plans in the presence of a knowledgeable professional who is on your side; it also gives your children the opportunity to ask questions and get clear and immediate answers. More often than not tension about mom and dad’s estate plan stems from a lack of understanding, or a worry that mom or dad have been taken advantage of.
Such a meeting might be especially valuable where you have remarried and plan to provide for your new partner in your plan, before providing for children, either yours or your new spouse’s. A meeting might help explain your wishes. Ask your attorney for his or her view on this when you discuss your plan. While a family meeting is not for every familiy, still for many it can be reassuring, educational, and put everyone one the same page while moving into the future.
Should You Talk to Your Kids (Or Your Parents) About Inheritance?
September 27, 2009
The subject of inheritance is one that most people studiously avoid for a number of different reasons: superstition, fear, lack of knowledge, or—as this article by Gordon Powers points out—they don’t want to appear greedy. Furthermore, many older adults were raised to believe that money was a private affair, and that talking about it was inappropriate, almost dirty. The difference in how the older and younger generations view money and its place in “polite conversation” has become so great in some cases that it’s no wonder they avoid any mention of it.
An unfortunate side effect of this disconnect is that a refusal to talk about money or your estate plans with you children means that they may have a difficult time following your wishes in regards to inheritance. According to Mr. Powers (and most of the adult children who come into our offices to create their own estate plans) “most middle-aged adult [children] really want to fulfill their parents’ last wishes, regardless of how much money they might or might not see in the end.”
So the answer to the title question is, yes, you should talk to your children about inheritance if you can. Talking about it will not only make it easier for them to follow your wishes, it may even help you determine how you would like to make a difference in the lives of your heirs.
Blended Families Bring Unique Challenges for Caregivers
August 30, 2009
A recent study about how divorce may affect your health has been making the rounds in the news sources lately. This article discusses how the added stress of divorce, family upheaval, and tighter finances can be so detrimental to your health that the effects can last years into the future. Because our firm works frequently to help divorced or remarrying couples update their estate plans to protect their new blended families this article sparked our interest. But what was even more interesting was this recent post by Paula Span about the effects divorce can have 20 or 30 years down the road—not just on the couple but on their grown children now acting as caregivers.
According to Ms. Span, adult children of aging parents often find themselves caring not only for mom and dad but also for stepmom, stepdad and sometimes even another stepparent from yet a third (and current) marriage. Dividing time (and often finances) between so many parents with new and special needs can quickly take its toll, as can the family politics that come with adult siblings, half siblings, and step siblings. “It adds another layer of complexity to an already complex and emotional situation.”
With all of this complexity and intermingling family ties, it is more important than ever to have conversations about estate planning and long-term care with parents and siblings before mom and dad (and stepmom and stepdad) get to an age where they need in home or around the clock nursing care. A good estate plan can eliminate much potential fighting and confusion by clearly defining who will be making financial decisions and who should be making health care decisions when mom or dad become incapacitated. And a caregiver agreement can provide financial assistance to the one sibling who inevitably ends up shouldering most of the care giving burden, and at the same time help to reduce any potential resentment.
If you are a part of a blended family don’t wait for time to take its toll; talk to your parents and siblings now about any challenges the future may bring—and discuss how to meet those challenges together.
“Mom, Dad… It’s Time for an Estate Plan”
April 30, 2009
So many clients come into our office, finish signing their estate plan, start to lean back with a sigh of relief only to sit straight up again and say “My parents really need to do this! I wish they would listen to me and come in to see you.” How can adult children persuade stubborn parents of the necessity of an estate plan?
First you need to determine if your parents actually need to be persuaded, or if they’re merely slow to follow through. Offer to bring them with you to your next appointment (if you and your attorney don’t mind), or offer to make an appointment for them with their own attorney. Some parents in very open families even like to have adult children with them at planning meetings
There are times, however, when actual persuasion is required. You may be a grown adult with responsibilities, a successful job, and family of your own, but to your parents you will always be their little girl or boy. This doesn’t mean that your parents don’t value your suggestion, but it may mean they don’t see any urgency to taking action. In these situations what your parents may need to light a fire under them is a professional outside opinion. Suggest that your parents go see their financial specialist, even offer to set up the appointment for them. Much as parents love their children, the opinions of professionals sometimes carry more weight than that of their offspring.
There are the rare occasions, however, when parents absolutely will not be persuaded. Perhaps they don’t trust attorneys, or are adamant that probate is good enough for them, or perhaps (for their own reasons) they want to maintain privacy or even secrecy. In these situations the best course of action may be to let it go. Your parents may have a change of heart when they see how happy you are with your own estate plan.
If this last is the situation you find yourself in, your best course of action may be to ask your attorney what you can do to best protect yourself from the fallout of a lengthy probate process when your parents pass away, or to discuss with you how your parents will pay for long term care. Will the burden fall upon you? Will your parents be able to qualify for a Medi-Cal or Veterans Benefits subsidy? Long Term Care expenses can, over time, be devastating to your parents’ savings and stressful for caregiver children, unless the family has a plan in place.
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